Angry I’m!

Hazrat Ali (AS) is quoted to have said: Don’t decide anything in anger and don’t make any promise when you are happy. Another quotation attributed to Hazrat Ali (AS) is: Anger begins with madness and ends with regret. Another anonymous saying is famous about anger that reads: Anger is punishing you for the mistake committed by someone else.

Why do we get angry is the question that carries several answers and explanations. Oxford Dictionary defines anger as: A strong feeling of annoyance, displeasure or hostility. Some other Dictionaries add reason to its definition as; anger aroused by injury, injustice or wrong provocation etc.

 

Under normal circumstances the angry behavior is extremely harmful, lands in trouble and forces one to take a hasty decision that most of the time goes in wrong direction impacting their life to negativity to such an extent that they fail to undo the blunder. Perhaps everyone gets angry with a degree of variation. Some go crazy instantly and behave insanely, others take time to become annoyed and still behave and respond sanely. I belong to a category somewhere in-between these extreme ends.

My late father used to love me a lot because I happened to be his youngest “son”. I enjoyed this position for 10 years till my younger brother was born after our four sisters. My father would often take me along with him on work i.e. field trips for agriculture revenue collection and ostensibly he was given targets by his office for such purpose. My father was an angry man. The poor villagers always resisted in paying taxes. I don’t know whether they couldn’t afford to pay water taxes called “Abyana” in reality or they pretended but it used to make Dad behave with them rowdily and insultingly. At the age of less than 10 years I always felt like crying, scared and embarrassed too.

Still a kid I made a resolve that I won’t be behaving with poor in my life the way Dad does now. Years down the road now, I’m contented to say that I have been treating poor and subordinate employees fairly well with due respect and dignity and try not to harm their self esteem. Unfortunately I couldn’t do nothing to prevent myself from inheriting my father’s dominant attribute i.e. Infuriation.

Normally I get irate quickly if something goes wrong against the norm. The good thing is; the mood melts down instantly too. It’s like “storm in a cup of tea”.  Nevertheless, getting wild and scolding-like lands me at times in an awkward situation leading to embarrassment and damaging to my character. People at the receiving end are usually my office colleagues, family members and friends but most of all, my wife and children.

Besides, there is also another issue that keeps me upset and concerned too. I remember from the adolescence that my elder brother used to show his dissent over my facial expressions that displayed unfriendly or rather harsh and annoying look when I made arguments over some matter. While it looked to me as normal discussion-tone but my brother would always warn me that I should mind my disposition and that I was being offensive and rude to him. I would protest on such occasions and defend myself, and even go and take a look in the mirror to confirm whether I looked so wounding. When such happenings became common and repetitive I silently conceded my weakness. Over the years I have made efforts to overcome my misdemeanors that erupt off and on but with little help. Luckily, to lessen the impact, I have learnt to apologize over my ill manners. But still some words and phrases dent too much and remain unforgiving.

Unfortunately, after decades of experiencing this ordeal now I realize that two of my children also carry the same genes i.e. they are following the footsteps of their grandfather. They sometimes converse in extremely angry mood, tone and display harsh facial expressions. When I ask them why they are behaving like so, they simply give me a stunning look and say that they never were, and that they were talking normally. Only I can understand that they are behaving normal but others wouldn’t digest this outrage.

The punch line is; no one is born perfect, everyone carries some genetic or other worldly /circumstantial weaknesses that lead them to show displeasure. I’m also a human being living with many weaknesses but at the same time striving not to hurt people with my eruptive fuming behavior anymore. May Allah (SWT) and those I have hurt forgive me!  

Retirement; boon or bane!

In April 2013 I wrote a blog on “Beyond Retirement” discussing how our life would take its course in post-retirement era. Some suggestions were given as to how it could be made healthier and “life full of life” before succumbing to the old age syndromes. Nevertheless, this take should be taken as an extension of previous write-up with a new dimension i.e. whether retirement comes handy and rewarding or keeps us devastated for the remainder life!

The other day my boss confided in me that if we were to retire now the perks of retirement would be enough to live a peaceful life provided we own a house, a car and we don’t have to pay regular children’s education fees. And of course our retired life is without any terminal disease. See! An ideal retired life is dependent on scores of ifs and buts. Though my superannuation age is still five years away but somehow it has started haunting me. I can’t explain why but just a thought of considering me a senior citizen, a dependent, gives shivers and looks daunting too.

Alhamdulillah, my career has been impeccable. There have been many an instances when people meeting the very first time greet me warmly and express their immense pleasure because of the reason that they have been hearing about my reputation in my absence since long. Once I was truly humbled on listening to a comment that I was a source of inspiration for the young lot and that they emulate my working style, efficiency and the quality of work I produce.

Moreover, when I asked a respectable retired senior colleague who is currently working in a private consultancy firm that whether I would be able to get a similar job like him when I retired from the job in 2020. Do you want me to arrange an appointment letter for you now, he enquired? It was a heartening comment I could ever hear.

So, why am I still worried? Prima facie the ticking needles of clock depress me all the time. They keep reminding me that I am on a brisk walk down the hill, and that, age is catching up fast. But the main disturbing reason is my unsettled life; over 30 years of job and I have not been able to own a house, still to go for Umrah or Hajj pilgrimage, get rid of loan installments that I’m paying for nearly 20 years on office loans I took one after the other to supplement my meager monthly salaries, to pay exorbitant educational fees of children, and even replacing the 20 year old car!

And it may also transpire at the time of retirement that I still need to pay for marriage expenses of my children in addition to the above! The experience gained from discussing to those retired people who underwent almost identical life speaks of harsh consequences. Most of the time the “commutation funds”, a lump sum handsome amount received on the day of retirement is spent instantly on purchase of residential plot or construction of house (if lucky to have owned a plot already) or it gets consumed in children’s marriages. The only boon left with them is the monthly pension that seems enough to run the kitchen expenses.

It may sound crazy of me to think about something that is going to happen after five years. You might be coming up with an advice for me that everything should be left to God and that He would create an easy path for me to live a peaceful retired life. Under ideal situations and circumstances it should be happening like that. It’s convincing as far as my faith is concerned and as long as prayers work but you know, I ponder a lot, thinking about everything, good to bad and the worst irrespective of what unfolds when the moment comes.

So, fingers crossed, let’s hope for the boon, but expect the bane too!